Gratitude Hurts

Gratitude practice. Today,  it’s a popular practice among the spiritual tribe. (what is it? reference another article in elephant or Describe here) Ugh. I hated it at first. It only brought up bitterness, sorrow, sadness, and shame. I could find nothing to be thankful for! What the fuck was wrong with me?!? I would hear “but you have your health, your well-being.” My response was “Fuck all that. Big deal.” “You have your family!” And that's when the shame set in. What?!? I'm not even grateful for my son and my wife?!!? I came to realze that I wouldn't allow myself to feel truly grateful until I had achieved all the things I still hadn’t accomplished. Gratitude practice became one long exercise in reminding myself of/comparing myself to everything I hadn’t succeeded at, everything I wished I could be, everything I WASN’T. Fun stuff. But I kept at it, stayed with it, and eventually I watched so much burn away. All those measuring stick melted away and the aspirations replaced them. Eventually the heaviness of all that unhelpful comparison lifted and out of it rose a lightness.  A true sensory appreciation for simply being; feeling my immediate present moment experience, the mere experience of being alive, regardless of whether it met my preferences or not. Regardless of whether it was even comfortable or not. (The “mere” experience of my own aliveness, right?) From there I continued to find a deeper love and gratitude for the everyday things. The magic of how the branches of a tree extended out into the space around it, the way my son told a story, and my basic aliveness. And then I took my practice to another level. I started literally saying “thank you” to each of my struggles and challenges, all my triggers. I discovered that invariably these struggles merely reflected my values, things I truly desired and was willing to work toward and work hard for. The more I practiced "thanking" my struggles conflicts challenges the quicker they reflected and illuminated what was truly important to me. And what was revealed to me shifted from ah-ha moments to oh, right of course moments, reflected the obvious underlying truth of my experience. What previously felt so oppressive became so practical inspiring and motivating. The teaching the lesson the aspiration buried in the conflict came into focus. I could then make clear contact with it. The conflicts transformed into affirmations, practical challenges that rather than crush me with terror, anxiety, anger, judgement, and confusion filled me with inspiration and motivation. What had previously held me down now began to lift me up. So, this is my story. This was my process. And here's the outcome: Today, there are times, simply saying ‘thank you’ aloud brings a very clear grounded feeling of safety, security, and contentment washing over me. I’m still a bit shocked at how nourishing the simple feeling of “Oh, I’m actually ok. Everything is completely fine, just as it is.” All this brought on by a simple, “Thank you”. When things are hard or I feel stuck, I stay with it. I stay with the “Thank You".  Eventually, the struggle and confusion clear away and the clarity of my desire shines through. If you're interested, here’s a sketch of the exercise as I perform it: Find a quiet place to sit and be with yourself without too much external distraction. Begin by considering all that you are thankful for. Let whatever arises, arise. Don't worry if it doesn't make any sense, if nothing comes, or if frustration, fear, panic arise. Stay with it. Next, simply make the statement either out loud or to yourself, “thank you”. And then notice what arises, how your mind, body, emotions, nervous system respond. Keep repeating it to yourself. Stay with it and see what arises.